It is you that pervades this universe, and this universe exists in you. Your true nature is pure Consciousness. Don't be small-minded.
- Ashtavakra Gita, India
How do you open up your inner sanctum of abundance? I have been mulling over this question for a while, more acutely since last night and deciding to sleep over it, hopefully to wake to a clearer answer.
All my life I have grown up being the eldest girl to the eldest son of a traditional family. My father has broken new grounds for me when girls were usually given the second row's ticket to education. Obtaining a university degree was the ultimate goal to adulthood. Ever since I entered public junior school, I was thrown into the town's public swimming club instead of private ballet lessons. There was never a book that I have wanted which I was not allowed to buy (although the buck stops there!), I was exposed to foreign travels from an early age, learned about such a thing as table etiquette and how to take care of a younger brother who was completely the opposite of me.
It was within this comfortable, assuring scope of limits that I grew up. Safe, protected, given yet I harboured so many unfulfilled dreams. Only to replace them temporarily with intended dreams of my parents. Over there years, I consoled myself with the thought that "this is as good as it gets" and I was such a lucky girl to have it "all".
But how big was my own universe from within? The gnawing pain from the longing, the wishes that I thought was once, some fanciful yearning of a girl growing up, remained as defiantly as a bad migraine. Can I draw the curtains up and hole myself under the covers to make it go away? I can't and the coming of age makes one question your decision to continue with a pattern.
So I decided to continue, but not on the same pattern. I, in my father's act, broke new grounds.
It was not the piano that I wanted, it was the violin. I am getting my violin today in the afternoon. This has been over 20 years in the waiting. My lesson starts tomorrow.
I have booked my ticket to France and will be doing some sole backpacking around destinations in Europe that I have not decided (yet). This, I learn to not be too rigid but let my mind be open to possibilities.
I am becoming a bit more comfortable with giving to myself first. It is still work in progress but as much as it feels strange at first, I think... no I know I am getting there.
